TVFish: Vampires Go To College
by roxypony
Summary: LOL nevermind I'm not finishing this.


Hey guys... well this is something really umm, unexpected? Allow me to explain.

Those of you who follow my Facebook page (link on profile;) know I took a creative writing class this year. So basically I'm pretending that I'm _not _a better writer (#sorrynotsorryy) than my incredibly slow teacher. I mean, wouldn't wanna blow my ff.n cover or anything. Anyway, for a recent assignment we had to do an original screenplay for a pilot episode of our own show. And believe it or not, when it comes to original characters/plot/whatever, I'm about as creative as the people who brought us _CDF: the movie._ So basically I was stumped as fuck and prepared to hand in a blank sheet of paper until last week when I had an eureka moment: _Why not just TVF-ify it? _It was so simple, I can't believe it took me that long to figure it out. After all, the boys haven't failed me yet!

Some notes before we begin:

1) It's not copyright infringement since I'm ripping off my own highly developed TVF versions of the characters. DSS owns the originals which no longer resemble the TVF boys in any way shape or form.

2) I also changed their names to Darryl, Larry, Percy, Silas, Mike, Arron, Harold, and Katie (guess who's who) for the assignment itself, but for simplicity's sake I switched them back to normal for the document I'm posting here. Some meaningless info for ya... also Kurda is indeed a girl in the assignment version xD but I switched him back for this copy.

3) This is written in the vein of TVF, but since it's **wildly **AU, it doesn't count as a member of the TVF series. Like this is so AU it makes TVF look canon. _Yeah. _

4) They are human in this story. Because making them Vampires wouldn't have made sense in the assignment and it would have been too annoying to add extra little hey-we're-vampires parts to the ff.n version. So yeah. Human it is.

5) In this, everyone is basically related. You'll get it when you read the character intros. The fact that they're all family feels a little weird to me, but it suited the style of the assignment very well so I'm keeping it like this. Yup, they're all Crepsleys. Get over it. If this was a story I was doing for fun, I would have done it very differently. But this works for what I'm handing in, so it's staying the way it is.

6) Yes. Paris is younger than Seba in this, because it makes more sense for their TVF personalities and the fact that Seba is Larten's "dad".

7) It will all explain itself in the character descriptions anyway so I'm just gonna stop talking.

And yeah, it's script format. U mad, bro? Cuz I am. Such a pain in the ass to write. NEVER AGAIN.

Now go ahead, read (the DSS'd version of) my homework xD

* * *

**Title: **The University Files

**Tagline:** The ones we love never truly leave us. No matter how much we want them to.

**Prologue:** Home Is Where The Cray-Cray Is

**Series Synopsis:**

The tale of an 'orphan' teenage boy who is trying to start a new life at university but is unable to escape his crazy but loving and fiercely devoted adoptive extended family.

**Featured Characters:**

**Darren Crepsley-Shan:** Age 18. Freshman at Roxton University. Slightly immature, very naive and sheltered. Tries to be a normal teenager despite his eccentric family. Average height/build, brown hair/eyes. Parents died in a boating accident when he was 5. Since then he has been considered the baby of the Crepsley family. He's a good kid but kind of a wimp.

**Larten Crepsley:** Darren's uncle (his mother's brother). Age 40. An ex-English teacher. Very prim and proper, big on manners etc. Over-parents. Darren's legal guardian. Very pale skin, bright orange hair. Previously married, wife deceased in accident with Darren's parents. Not big on showing affection although he loves his family unconditionally.

**Seba Crepsley:** Larten's father/Darren's grandfather. Exact age unknown, upwards of 80 for sure. completely senile. Extremely irritable and old-fashioned. Somewhat of a family embarrassment, but beloved nonetheless. He is retired although no one is quite sure what he did before that. Divorced, his ex's whereabouts are unknown.

**Paris Crepsley: **Seba's brother/Larten's favourite uncle. Tends to fill in as a mother figure since the family tragedy. Age 64. Tries excessively to be "hip" and "modern" but really he is a massive nerd. Obsessed with Apple iProducts. Blue eyes, white beard. Extremely rich, and generous with his wealth. Never married although he has always wanted children so he treats family members as his own children.

**Arrow Crepsley: **Larten's son. Age 20. Loves big trucks, partying, working out, and football. Third year at Roxton U, lives across the hall from Darren. Handsome, tall, muscular. Short blond hair, blue eyes, tattoos.

**Mika Crepsley: **Larten's son/Arrow's twin (fraternal). Age 20. Very different from Arrow, dresses darkly, loves hard rock music. Extremely grumpy. Spiky black hair, dark eyes, pale skin. Athletic like his brother but uses his muscles for rocking out rather than sports. Roomates with Arrow. The twins are best friends despite their differences and live joined at the hip. The twins can sometimes seem like typical college jerks but they genuinely love their family.

**Kurda Crepsley: **Larten's daughter. Age 19. 2nd year at R.U. The stereotypical blonde - complete ditz, socialite, drama king. Not extremely smart, gets through school because teachers are endeared by his flawless looks and kind-hearted personality.

**Harkat Mulds: **Age to the Crepsleys although he is seen as one of the family. Happens to be a midget. Darren's best friend since childhood, also now his roommate. His irresistible charm attracts friendship wherever he goes. He has always been infinitely more popular than Darren but is the most loyal best friend you could find.

**Kayden "Kade" Stone: **Kurda's best friend/roomate. Age 19. Arrow's love interest. Light strawberry blonde hair with a dark streak at the bottom. Freckles, pale skin. Irritable, snarky, but loyal. Can be slightly insensitive.

**Veronica "Ronnie" Dexter: **Kurda & Kayden's best friend/roomate. Age 19. Will eventually become Darren's love interest. Platinum blonde hair. Bright turquoise eyes. Friendly and caring with a talent for music.

**Screenplay: Home Is Where The Cray-Cray Is**

**Music: "Good Life" by One Republic. **Daytime. Camera opens on a tree-lined country road. The sun is shining and the leaves are beginning to change; must be an early September day. Zoom in on a mailbox that reads CREPSLEY CLAN, zoom out as camera follows a white Cadillac Escalade up the driveway to a large (but not fancy) and comfortable-looking house with a big kid-friendly yard. The Escalade parks, out steps Paris who is wearing a Hawaiian shirt, cargo shorts, and Birkenstocks. He inhales deeply and admires the scenery for a moment. The background music fades like a dream turning to reality, and from inside the vehicle we hear a loud and frustrated voice.

Seba: *yelling in anger* What is the meaning of this? These hell-spawned gates refuse to open! I have been waiting for hours! This service is utterly despicable, in fact this entire vehicle is an abomination. When I was your age, nobody was to good to walk anywhere! We didn't need these uppity contraptions, no-

Paris: *sighs in patient exasperation, walks to the passenger side to open Seba's door* We've been through this, Seba. Car doors aren't automatic. It's not like the mall.

Seba: *falls out of SUV while yelling obscenities*

Paris helps Seba to his feet and they walk up to the front door and walk right in; clearly they are very familiar with this house and find it unnecessary to ring the doorbell.

Cut to interior shot of Larten Crepsley's House. The first thing we see is a spacious and well-used living room. Zoom in on the framed photograph on the mantle, featuring a family portrait taken at Christmastime, featuring the 7 living Crepsleys. Beside it is a smaller portrait of Darren's parents. On the other side is a photo of Larten's late wife.

The camera then pans across to a view of the couch where Harkat is playing Angry Birds on his phone, looking completely at home in his best friend's house and patiently waiting for Darren to appear.

Camera moves over and we see the kitchen where Larten is brewing a pot of coffee and joking with Paris who has just sat down at the table. Seba is staring suspiciously at the bowl of fruit loops that has been left on the table.

Camera continues to move throughout the house, rolling up the stairs and into the upstairs bathroom where Kurda is flat-ironing his perfectly platinum hair.

Across the hall is Mika's room, dark walls covered in pictures of rock icons. One small neatly-packed suitcase is sitting on the floor, Mika himself is jamming wildly on his electric guitar.

One room over is Arrow's, home to blue walls, an aquarium of seahorses, and countless athletic trophies. He is currently submerged in his closet, rummaging through piles upon piles of clothes and tossing them haphazardly into his massive duffle bag.

Finally the camera pans over to the last room in the hallway - Darren's. Darren is sitting on his neatly made bed wearing an extremely nervous expression and staring into the suitcase in front of him which he feverishly packs, unpacks, and then re-packs. He repeats this process several times, and then looks up with a frustrated sigh. His face suddenly changes from defeat to shock as he spies his Tarantula Terrarium sitting on his dresser, home to his beloved pet Octa.

Darren: GUYS! GUYS! GUYS! GUYS!

Following his outburst is a chorus of what-what's-going-ons of varying degrees of annoyance as Arrow, Mika, Kurda, and finally Harkat file into his room.

Mika: *scathingly* What now? Did you lock all of your underwear in your suitcase again?

Darren: *embarrassed* Shut up! I didn't wanna leave any of them behind!

Kurda: Did you finally realize your hair is absolutely heinous and needs immediate professional help before you step off into the beautiful world of the post-secondary?

Darren: Uhm… not quite. I just realized I forgot to ask you something about university…

Arrow: *sarcastic* No. That's not possible. You officially ran out of things to ask when you wanted to know if the profs ever gave out stickers.

Darren: That was a valid inquiry… no, I just wanna know if I can bring Madam Octa?

Kurda: NO GOD NO! I only went to university to get away from that thing! *shudders*

Mika: *shugs carelessly* You could. But there are people in this world who tend to get drunk and eat small pets. Just a fair warning.

Arrow: *laughs at Mika, then sees Darren's horrified expression and catches himself* If he reminds you of home and will keep you from having a mental breakdown, totally bring him. Wouldn't be the weirdest thing anyone's ever brought… my first year roomie had a voice recording of his mom reading to him that he played _every night_. Creepiest fuckin' kid.

Mika: *fondly reminiscent* I remember that kid. Didn't he hook up with his history teacher and get expelled?

Arrow: Nope. That was _your_ roomie.

Mika: *smirks* Oh yeah.

Kurda: *smacks Mika and Arrow upside the heads simultaneously.* Guys, focus. We don't need to be terrifying sweet innocent little Darren out of his poor sweet mind with horror stories of freak roommates, like the one time my roomie's drink got spiked during frosh week and she had such a bad hangover he literally puked himself into a coma and woke up the day before exams. He doesn't need to know stuff like that!

Darren: *face goes pale* Thanks guys, this is helping me so much right now…

Harkat: They're just exaggerating and being assholes, man. Don't even listen to them.

Arrow: *shrugs* You guys'll see soon enough. *walks towards door, pauses* Oh, Darren… don't forget to pack a life jacket… you're gonna need it. *exit*

Darren: *panic face* WHY?

Mika also exits, grinning evilly. Immediately after, the sounds of electric guitar-ing resume from down the hall.

Darren: GUYS? WHY AM I GONNA NEED A LIFE JACKET? GUYS?

Abrupt cut to opening title: **The University Files: Home Is Where The Crazy Is**

Cut to kitchen, Darren (apparently finished packing) is arranging his 3 giant bags by the door. He then joins his uncles and grandfather at the kitchen table, along with Harkat.

Paris: *holds his iPad up to Darren's face, video camera is rolling* So, Darren. It's a big day for you. Tell us how you feel. Excited? Terrified? Optimistic?

Darren: *squeaky petrified voice* Why am I gonna need a life jacket?

Paris: *to camera* Well, there you have it. I think that expression says it all.

Larten: *frustrated* For God's sake, Paris. Put the toys away.

Paris: *skeptical* This is not a toy, dear brother. This is none other than the iPad 3. With a 5MP rear camera, _and _2048x1356 pixels. I will not allow it to go to waste. Besides, the kids will want to show this documentary to their kids someday, and I have just the app to put it all together-

Darren: *yelling* SOMEONE TELL ME WHY I NEED A LIFE JACKET!

(Darren is a very mild-mannered person, but when he snaps _he snaps.)_

Larten: *even more skeptical* Where did you get that nonsense from?

Darren: Arrow!

Larten: *rolls eyes* Of course… I remember that incident well, it's not every day your son's school phones and informs you he has elected to invent a new method of hazing 1st-years that involves persuading them jump off a 100-foot cliff into the lake.

Harkat: *wide-eyed* I've heard of that… Arrow invented the Pansypuss Plunge?

Larten* Well, I assume it was Mika's idea originally, Arrow was never one for forethought although he did put it into action. But yes, I regret to say that this tradition originated from my offspring's resourcefulness and creativity. *casually sips coffee*

Seba: When I was your age, we joined the workforce once we were old enough to hammer a nail without taking a finger off. We were too busy building society to partake in this laughable excuse for post-secondary education. My generation is the reason the government spends money to have your generation drinking and womanizing and carrying on and decimating the nation's supply of ramen noodles and frolicking about with no pants on. *points to Mika, Arrow and Kurda as they join the table and sit down*

Larten looks sharply at his sons with an expression of horror.

Arrow: Daaad, we don't womanize, _whatever the hell that means,_ I swear! You raised us better than that.

Mika: And me and my pants are inseparable. Promise.

Camera cuts to a shot from behind the boys, and we see they each have their fingers crossed behind their backs.

Arrow: And I don't even _like _ramen noodles, Grandpa. So don't worry about that. *pats Seba on the shoulder* Plus the government doesn't actually buy us food. Trust me, I asked.

Larten: Well, we had best be heading out before your grandfather gets started on the economy or we will be here till April. Boys, grab your things.

Arrow: BOOYAH, goodbye loony bin, hello party house! *grabs his multiple duffle bags and heads for the door with Mika and Kurda close behind.

Paris: Now Arrow, don't call your father's house a loony bin.

Mika: Yeah. The politically correct term is _psych ward. _Get with the times, man.

The twin brothers snicker and exchange a fist-bump before exiting the house. The camera moves to a view of Larten looking out the kitchen window, where he can see Mika and Arrow tossing their luggage into the trunk of Arrow's Hummer H2t.

Larten: Now Darren, I want you to listen to me and listen well. Same to you, Harkat. *Darren and Harkat deposit their breakfast dishes in the sink and turn to face Larten* Alright. You may have already guessed that university will be different from any sort of education you have ever received. You may also be thinking along the lines that meeting housefuls of unsupervised students, many of them female, sounds like a chance to have a real blast. But I cannot impress on you enough, I am not paying a fourth set of tuition to have you attending every class with a debilitating hangover. God knows Arrow, Mika, and Kurda must have gotten the party gene from their mother's side… but you, Darren… your parents were the most level-headed individuals I have ever met and I can only implore that you live the next for years the way they would, with sobriety and dedication to their studies.

There is a moment of silence.

Darren: Uncle Larten… umm, you met my parents, right? They died falling off a boat called the _Wiggle Wiggle Yeah. _Celebrating their own 6-year anniversary. With 400 other people. In the Bahamas. I remember that much about them. Nice try, though.

Seba: And they were drunk as a skunk chasing a monk with a trunk. I read the police report. Those rat-bastards refused to give it to me, so I was forced to sneak into the cop shop in the dead of night, but read it I did! That dastardly Desmond man was no good for my beautiful Annie! I knew it first time I held my shotgun to his head.

Paris: If I recall correctly, Annie was the one who got Desmond drunk for the first time in his life…

Larten: *sighs* Alright, so maybe I'm the only one without the Crepsley party gene-

Paris: You got that right!

Larten: -but I _do _know that your parents would want you to take your future seriously. Can you promise me that much at least?

Darren: *hugs Larten, who returns the gesture stiffly and awkwardly* I promise, Uncle Larten.

Larten: And one more thing, Darren. If you get anyone pregnant, I do not care how pretty she is. There is a piece of land in the cemetery next to your parents with your name on it! And I truly mean that.

Paris: But I get to have the baby, right?

Darren: Uhm… we won't cross that bridge when we don't come to it.

Larten: Well, this has been sufficiently awkward. Everyone, to the vehicles!

Cut to a view of the yard where Paris, Seba, and Larten are piling into Paris's huge Cadillac SUV. Paris has volunteered his vehicle to make the long drive to the university since he wants to see his nephews and niece off. Darren and Harkat move towards the Hummer which the other kids are already inside. Arrow driving, Mika riding shotgun, and Kurda's bare feet hanging out the back window exposing his newly painted pink toenails to the fresh air. Darren reaches for the door handle.

Arrow: Woah woah woah. What's this?

Darren: I'm getting in the truck, freetard. What does it look like?

Mika: It looks like IN YOUR DREAMS! Get back in the Geezer Cruiser. *He points at the Cadillac* The FunnerHummer is for awesome people only.

Darren: But you let Kurda in!

Mika: 'Cause we're picking up his hot chick friends, duh.

Arrow: Tell ya what, Dar. We'll give you this term to build a reputation for yourself, and if we're satisfied with the result, we'll talk about giving you a ride home for Christmas break. Fair?

Darren: NO!

Arrow: Great! See ya around, bud. *rolls up window and turns truck on*

Harkat: *pat's Darren's shoulder as they walk back to the Escalade* It's fine, man. Caddies are cooler anyway. Wait till the chicks see us hopping out of _this _thing!

Darren: *sighs* Yeah, but they'll see _that _first. *He points at the front passenger seat in which sits Seba, who has his face pressed against the windshield as he yells furiously at a butterfly who had the audacity to land on the hood*

Harkat: *optimistically* Think how sane you'll look next to your grandpa! I wish I had a cool grandpa.

Darren: *laughs* Whatever, dude...

**Video montage of the drive to Roxton University. Song: "Good Feeling" by Flo Rida.**

- Shot of the Hummer and Escalade driving on a neat paved road with rolling fields of corn and wheat on both sides.

- Shot of Hummer careening down a steep hill with the Escalade cruising behind at a controlled speed.

- Close-up of Paris driving along with one hand on the wheel and the other on his GPS. Voice-over of Paris having a conversation with GPS.

- Camera pans over to Seba who has reclined his seat all the way back. As we watch him snore, a tiny red skittle lands in his mouth. He does not wake.

- Camera pans to the back seat where Harkat is holding a bag of skittles and Darren is preparing to throw another one. Both boys are giggling like children.

- Camera pans forward once again to see Larten who is sitting in a middle seat reading _Today's Parent _magazine and furrowing his brow thoughtfully. He is too engrossed to notice the skittles flying past his face.

- Shot of exterior, now on a highway. Hummer is passing the Escalade, windows are rolled down and Arrow is grinning like a maniac while Mika flips the bird and Kurda sticks her tongue out.

- Cut to interior of Escalade where Paris is looking extremely peeved. Zoom in on the speedometer going higher and higher.

- Exterior aerial shot of Escalade creeping up beside Hummer and finally passing it.

- Back to interior of Escalade. Zoom again on speedometer... yikes! Seba is clinging to his holy-shit-handle like a lifeline with his mouth wide open in a silent scream of terror. In the middle seat Larten is clutching both arm rests white-knuckled and eyes squeezed shut. In the back seat, Darren and Harkat are cheering Paris on and waving at the Hummer passengers through the back window. Finally pan to the drivers seat where we see Paris leaned back casually with one arm on the wheel and the other out the window, sunglasses on and beard blowing in the wind.

- Sudden cut to an exterior shot at what is clearly a McDonalds; the gang is seated at a red picnic table munching on various fast food delights. All of them look incredibly windswept and slightly shaken after the wild ride.

- Back on the highway, interior Hummer shot this time. Empty cans of Rockstar energy drink lie on the floor. Mika is now driving, while singing loudly and playing air guitar with no hands on the wheel. Kurda is lying across the back seat, painting his finger nails hot pink to match hisr toes while singing/screeching along with the music (their lyrics are in synch with the background music for the montage.) Pan to the front where Arrow is standing up with half his body through the sunroof to escape the foul stench of nail polish and the sounds of his siblings singing, his two least favourite things.

- Zoom out and we see both vehicles driving side-by-side, with Larten popping out of the other sunroof, voiceover tells us he's yelling angrily at Mika to get back in the vehicle before he gets killed or worse: arrested. Mika cups a hand around his ear in an innocent I-Can't-Hear-You gesture as he waves happily at his dad. Then he spreads his arms out to the sides. Voiceover: I'm king of the worldddd!

- Interior of Hummer again, we see the trio suffering the after-effects of a caffeine crash: Kurda and Arrow are sleeping soundly while Mika tries to keep his eyes on the road. One look at the floor reveals they have finished off their supply of Rockstars.

- Switch to interior of Escalade where positions have been switched: Darren is now driving, with Paris riding shotgun and coaching him on how to navigate the extravagant SUV. Larten and Harkat are sitting in the middle seats. Seba is sleeping (and drooling) in the back.

- Exterior shot, the vehicles are rolling down a quiet street. They park in front of a red brick house. Kurda scampers up to the doorstep and pounds the doorbell.

- Cut to a view of Mika and Arrow's faces through the windshield as they watch excitedly as Kurda's two best friends Ronnie and Kade make their way down to the Hummer.

- Back on the highway, aerial shot of Hummer/Escalade.

- Hummer interior: Kade is pointing at the pile of empty Rockstar cans accusatorially, clearly demanding why none was saved for her. Kurda paints RONNIE's nails vibrant turquoise.

- Meanwhile in the Escalade, Paris is back in the driver's seat. Seba is having a very intense argument with the GPS, he reaches for it violently...

- Exterior shot of the highway, zoom in on the broken GPS lying on the pavement with a white SUV zooming away in the background. Seba obviously won the argument.

- Interior again, Paris tiredly pulls his spare GPS from the glove box and fixes it to the window. He begins the long process of re-entering the address to the university.

- No sooner has the GPS calculated the directions when Darren states: WE'RE HERE!

- Exterior shot in on a palatial building surrounded by trees and lakes, barely silhouetted against the twilight sky. Zoom in on the school's black and red crest, lit up by yard lights: ROXTON UNIVERSITY.

- Hummer and Escalade park side-by-side.

**Music fades.**

Seba: LAND, BLESSED SOLID UNMOVING EARTH! *flings self out of window, too impatient to wait for Paris to remind him how to open the door. Several distant students gawk at his outburst.*

Darren: *Steps out of Escalade, groaning* I've been here 5 whole seconds and I feel like I should switch schools...

Harkat: It's dark, man. No one can even see you. Just breathe.

Darren: Let's just say our goodbyes and get inside...

However, Paris and Larten are eagerly unloading the boys' belongings from the trunk, apparently ready to escort them all the way in.

Larten: *reading off paper* You two are in the Potter building, room 394.

Mika: Are you serious? That's right across the hall from us! God, I can't get away from you people! This'll be just like living at home.

Kade: Mika, don't be an ass. *punches him in the arm*

Mika: Easy for you to say... you've never lived with this kid. He can't even get up to use the bathroom without turning all the lights on, and we're lucky if he doesn't trip over the cat and fall down the stairs.

Ronnie: *shrugs* That happens to the best of us... right Darren?

Darren: *makes awkward gurgling noise*

(Darren does not communicate well with persons of the female variety.)

Paris: Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go start our new life!

Darren: *suspicous* _our _new life?

Paris: _Your _new life, I mean. My bad. Let's go!

Cut to interior view of the Potter building, third floor. The hallway is a mess of screaming students, goodbye-ing parents, and luggage spilling all over the place. Pan inside room 394 where Larten is directing Darren on how to properly organize his desk.

Larten: And let me remind you that this is a _desk, _not a kitchen table. If you ruin it, you buy it. You, not me. Think of this room as a preview of the house you will someday own if you remain industrious and productive. It is a living establishment, not a toy. Also be mindful that you are sharing quarters with other people, you must take this into consideration when deciding when it is appropriate to leave your belongings all over the place and make your usual horrendous mess.

Paris: You're sounding more like Dad every day. Scary.

Larten: What better parent to follow in their methods? Look how upstandingly we turned out!

Through the doorway, we see Mika skateboarding down the hall and holding a bass-thumping stereo over his head. Arrow follows him on a pair of rollerblades with half his face buried in a bag of snack mix.

Paris: *points at doorway* Yeah, this good parenting thing? You started a little late. Case in point.

Larten: *shrugs* Darren only has bits and pieces of my biological children's DNA... there is no law that says he must behave like them.

Paris: *evil grin* Good luck stamping out the Crazy Crepsley gene. It's dominant, you know. God only knows why you didn't inherit it, but you're the only exception.

Larten: Well I suppose this family needed _one _person with a drop of sanity, it may as well have been me. We all have our crosses to bear.

Darren: Uhm, *clears throat, eager for his family to be on their way* ANYWAY. Uncle Larten, Uncle Paris... thanks so much for driving us up here. I'm gonna miss you guys but I promise to call every day and work really hard and only have fun on weekends and eat my vegetables and go to all my classes and not act like the twins and not get anyone pregnant. Is that everything?

Larten: That is not even a _third _of the list of rules I printed out for you. You _did _pack the list, right?

Darren: *sighs* Of course. I have a PDF version on my laptop. I promise to memorize it.

Larten: *sternly* _AFTER _you finish your homework.

Darren: I promise.

Larten: *softens* That is my boy! *hugs him* I know you will make us proud.

Paris: *checks the time* Oh, Larten. We should be hurrying on, it's time to go sign the rental agreement.

Larten and Darren break apart sharply.

Darren: WHAT rental agreement?

Paris: For our chalet, of course!

Darren: Your WHAT?

Paris: *looks at Larten sheepishly* Did I blow it?

Larten: *long sigh* Yes, Paris. Yes you did.

Paris: Whoopsie daisy.

Darren: Uncle Larten, forgive my language but WHAT THE EFF IS GOING ON HERE?

Larten: I suppose this is as good a time as any to tell you... Uncle Paris, your grandfather, and myself are renting out a small chalet just across the lake for the duration of the school year. When your term is over, we will return home.

Darren: *jaw drops, speechless, gurgles*

Larten: Is this not fantastic? If you ever need us, we will be just a short walk away! We can go out for breakfast, help you study, do your laundry, chaperone parties, and I believe Uncle Paris even volunteered to make your bed if studying consumes you so much that you cannot complete the task on your own. Oh, and I know how much you love surprise visits so rest assured; we will provide you with plenty of those!

Cut abruptly to the interior of Mika/Arrow's room. We can see that Arrow's bags have been emptied haphazardly onto his bed, and Mika's has been simply flung into the closet without being opened. The twins (having put their skateboard and rollerblades to rest - for now) are currently stocking their mini fridge with enough junk food to feed their entire floor. Meanwhile, Harkat, Kurda, Ronnie, and Kade are turning Seba into a school mascot - he's wearing boxers, a giant hoodie, a toque, knee-high socks, and face paint - all in black/red and featuring the school's crest. The usually irritable old man seems to be having the time of his life. Suddenly, everyone in the room hears the same sudden noise, and all look up sharply.

Kurda: Ohmigod guys, that was Darren!

Harkat: He doesn't sound so good.

Arrow: Yup. Here for 20 minutes and he's already being assaulted.

Seba: I knew the boy would perish! Why, he cannot even ride the city bus alone!

Arrow: Grandpa, you won't ride the city bus at all. You said that's where people get eaten alive by hobos. Anyway, I win the bet. He lasted less than 30 minutes, pay up Mika!

Mika glares and hands Arrow a 20$ bill.

Ronnie: You make bets on your poor cousin's safety?

Mika: Yeah.

Kade: That's hilarious.

Kurda: What are you waiting for, we have to go see if he's like, dead!

The group lumbers across the hallway into the neighbouring room. We see Darren standing in a corner with an expression between abject horror and utter befuddlement. Larten's arms are crossed, he looks the picture of impatience. Paris is sitting on one of the two beds, watching the proceedings with an expression of mild interest.

Larten: Now, Darren. Do be mature about this, would you? You are handling this with the utmost indignity. I taught you better.

Darren: *in hysterics* I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'D DO THIS TO ME! WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS? ALL I WANTED WAS A LIFE ON MY OWN, YOU DIDN'T EVEN GIVE ME A CHANCE!

Mika: *alarmed* _What_ the _fuck_ is going on in here?

Before Larten has time to reprimand his son's language, Darren goes off:

Darren: THEY'RE MOVING IN HERE. THEY CAME TO STAY. PERMANENTLY!

Arrow: Slooow down, bro. Who's here?

Darren: THEM. *points flailingly towards Larten, Paris, and then Seba.

Kurda: *terribly confused* Daddyyy, you and Uncle Paris and Grandpa are going back to school? But... you told me you graduated. Was it all a lie?

Mika: Yeah, WHAT?

Larten: Oh God, this is already more trouble than it is worth... No, dear. I have indeed graduated. We are simply renting a small house just across the lake from this building so that we can keep our family close.

Mika flies into a Darren-grade rage, their shock and horror feeds off one another as they scream incoherently. Kurda sits down and tries to figure out what just happened.

Ronnie: Uhm... we should go.

Kade: But this is better than TV!

Ronnie drags her out by the arm.

Harkat: Ladies, wait up! Care to show a guy to the cafeteria?

The non-Crepsleys disappear and shut the door behind them, leaving the family in a a room threatening to explode with strong feelings.

Mika: How could you _do _this to us? You do know that the only reason we pursued post-secondary education was to leave home, right? Are you not aware that the entire POINT of college is to finally separate kids from parents after almost two decades of constant contact? It's all about mental health, and what you're doing right now is kind of defeating the purpose. Think of your own _sanity_! *begging*

Larten: *snorts* Oh Michael, you are overreacting something terrible. It is not like we will be sharing rooms, good lord get a hold of yourself! There will be an entire lake between us!

Arrow: Dad, it's a really small lake...

Paris: *dejected* You mean... you don't want to get yo' swag on with us?

Darren: Let's put it this way, Uncle Paris. If I was forced at gunpoint to pick _one _of you to be our neighbour, it'd be you. Hands down. Absolutely.

Arrow, Mika, and Kurda nod in agreement. Paris pumps his fist excitedly.

Darren: But the thing is... it'll be all of you... _and _us... living... almost together.

Mika: *miserable* In other words it'll be just like being at home!

Larten: And WHAT, pray tell, is wrong with that?

Arrow: That, for one thing... *points to Seba who is currently peering creepily out the window, muttering to himself about the oblivious people walking by outside*

Kurda: K, like, we love you guys to bits and stuff, but we're big now. We can take care of ourselves. I even learned how to work the microwave last year!

Larten: Sweetheart, microwaves give you cancer! You shouldn't touch those. *turns to Paris* I can't believe we didn't move up here sooner...

Arrow: Okay, that's it. Mika, pack your things. We're switching schools. Kurda, tell your hot friends we'll be at the University of California. I'm gonna go down to the Dean's office and start applying for a transfer.

Larten: Well you had better start walking if you want to get to California before the semester is over. Because if you set one foot off this campus, you are officially cut off. Your Hummer will be confiscated and your bank accounts will be emptied. Good luck having "swag" then.

Mika: *death glare* You would not_ dare._

Larten: *crosses arms* Correction: I would not _hesitate_.

Arrow: *severely conflicted, he loves his Hummer the way a parent loves a firstborn child* Fine... fine. Let's just all calm down here. No reason to freak out. *taking deep breaths, on the verge of freaking out himself* We'll give this a trial run. You can live over there, but if you contact us in any way, shape, or form, we will drop out and become truckers. Deal?

Larten: Contact is non-negotiable. We're not spending five grand a month to watch you through the telescope.

Paris: Although it works extremely well!

Mika: *scandalized* YOU BROUGHT A TELESCOPE?

Arrow: K. We'll visit you on Sunday nights but we can't stay long. Gotta keep up with our studies and all that shit.

Larten: Fine, Sunday night dinner will be mandatory.

Darren: Deal! Now get out.

Larten: We are not done here, child. We will also be communicating with your teachers on a regular basis and we will be checking in on you whenever we feel like it is necessary.

Mika: Whatever, as long as you call first.

Larten: We will most certainly _not_ required to call first.

Arrow: So we can expect surprise visits? No deal, dude!

Larten: Very well then. Paris, call the used car dealership and tell them we have a shiny new Hummer for them to sell. Just think what I will be able to do with that money... *evil grin*

Arrow: NO! NOT MY BABY! Fine, you can stay. Do whatever you want, you can party with my friends and eat my food and jump on my bed and pick up my girlfriends and sleep with my teachers but don't touch my baby! *is down on his knees*

Larten: Son, I can assure you we will be doing none of those things.

Paris: Except maybe the food one.

Darren, Kurda, Arrow, and Mika sit down one by one, defeated and miserable. Looks like the Crepsley clan is stuck together after all.

Paris: *dancing for joy* Let's get our college ON!

**End music: "Old School" by Hedley**

**Stay tuned for episode 2 of **_**The University Files!**_

**Roll end credits**

* * *

Well? Do I pass? ;)

If you enjoyed that, you're in luck because I also have to write a 7-chapter-novel-thing for this class by June, and I'm making that a continuation of this. Only it will be in regular story form, not this script bullshit. That will be its own separate story, not attached to this.

So there you have it, a TVF tale with guaranteed updates... or else I literally fail. So, lucky you!

And If you didn't enjoy that... tough titties, I'm posting it anyway.

Don't forget to follow me on Tumblr, I'm roxy-rockstar. Also on Pottermore (FUCKING FINALLY) SunQuaffle29156. SLYTHERIN, HOEZZZZ.

Byeeaa.

RXP


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